MANILA, Philippines -- A few days before Christmas last year, Edita Burgos, the mother of missing activist Jonas Burgos, found an old letter while tidying up her son?s bedroom.

The unexpected find sent Edita back in time, summoning emotions that resonated with the anguish that have filled her days since her 37-year-old son disappeared 10 months ago.

Back in her hands was a letter she wrote Jonas in December 1997 conveying her ?helplessness? and ?anxieties? about her son?s decision to leave his full-time job managing the family farm in Bulacan so he could ?live? with the Igorot tribesmen of the Cordilleras.

?Knowing him, he might not come back. He was not only going to live with them, but live like them,? recalled Edita, 64, in an interview with the Inquirer on Friday.

Jonas, or ?Jay? to the family, took up agriculture at Benguet State University in the early 1990s. At the time, he often communed with the Igorots. He found them to be a ?very sincere people,? and considered their way of life ?simple.? He even ate their food and learned their dances, Edita said.

She initially described Jonas? purpose for leaving as ?research,? but later said her son was out ?to discern the kind of life he really liked.?

Her husband, journalist and press freedom advocate Joe Burgos (now deceased), was ?proud of his son?s decision,? but Edita wrote Jonas the letter because ?I was afraid that he will be away from us for good.

?Whenever I cannot tell things straight to my children, I say it through love letters,? said Edita, herself a retired educator and journalist.

In her letter, the mother of five sensed an impending loss and a growing distance between the family and her ?unique? middle child, one who was ?eager to live life to the fullest, impatient with the strings that kept [him] bound to heart and hearth.?

Toward the end of that December, Jonas did leave. He spent about four years with the Igorots and rarely saw his family in Quezon City. ?That?s the part of his life his friends don?t know much about,? his mother said.

On April 28, 2007, Jonas, then active in training a farmers group affiliated with the leftist Kilusang Magbubukid ng Pilipinas in Bulacan, was seized along with his two companions by unidentified men from a Quezon City mall.

Edita has since accused the military, particularly the Army?s 56th Infantry Battalion based in Bulacan, to be behind the abduction, and the high command to be party to a cover-up. The Armed Forces denied this, but three months after the incident it tagged Jonas as a member of the communist New People?s Army.

?I love you?

The letter turned up two months ago and days after Edita had filed at the Court of Appeals a petition for the issuance of a writ of amparo, a legal instrument recently devised by the Supreme Court to further compel the cooperation of the military and police in the investigation of extrajudicial killings and disappearances.

?I have mood swings, you know, given the state I?m in. [I found the letter] the day I was praying for [the writ of amparo] to be effective, at the same time [I got] this feedback that it was unlikely to be of any help,? she said.

Such were the times ?when you feel nothing could help you except divine intervention,? she said.

But on top of these doubts about the justice system, there was a deeper, more personal question unsettling her that day: ?I was feeling so low, wondering if I ever said ?I love you? to Jay in clear and unconditional terms. Nasabi ka nga ba sa kanya na mahal ko siya (Was I able to tell him I love him)?

?I already forgot about that letter. But I guess [finding it again] was a special grace in answer to my thoughts,? she said. ?I didn?t just ?tell? Jay that I love him?I even put it in writing.?

Read and reread

She added: ?Rereading this helped me regain my belief that Jay knows he is loved.?

Edita said she found the letter ?inserted in a prayer book? that Jonas had always kept within reach during trips. It was among other personal items?a rosary, a set of shirts and hankies?that Jonas had stuffed in one of his old traveling bags.

Edita recalled handing the letter to Jonas just before she and Joe left for an overseas trip that December. It was handwritten on a single, extra-thin sheet of paper, usually called ?onion skin.?

She found the paper already brownish with age and folded about five times so it could fit snuggly in one?s wallet or even in a matchbox.

And it looked as though it had been reopened several times, Edita said.

Not giving up

The letter, along with the prayer book that helped protect it from the elements, now graces her altar.

Edita said she had decided to make the letter public with a simple purpose in mind: ?Many have asked how long I would keep looking for my son, how I could sustain this, to think that I?m all but out of resources and I?m growing old.

?But I guess it?s the mystery of love that makes you willing to do everything as long as you live, that tells you that you cannot give up,? she said.

Having the letter published, she said, ?might help other mothers [and] show the world that there is a bond that cannot be shattered by anything in the world?and that is love.?

* * *

Following is the full text of the letter:

My dearest Jay,

I feel this restlessness in you and I am afraid you would be gone before we are back. If this happens, I cannot let you go without letting you know all the unspoken words that are haunting me.

I shall not dwell on my fears ... the dangers to your soul, the apprehensions of a mother ... the anxieties for a loved one. You already know these for I have told you so at our family council.

The mother in me feels this complete helplessness ... one I have never felt before ... not even when your ate told us she was getting married, nor when your kuya had his own share of problems. I knew somehow I would always be able to reach out and offer my hand if they needed me. But in your case, I feel that if a time comes when somehow there would be a need for a helping hand, I would not be near enough to let that hand be mine.

You were always the unique son ... eager to live life the fullest, impatient with the strings that kept you bound to heart and hearth. You showed this even when you first came out into this world ... in not more than 40 minutes that Easter Sunday.

Through your childhood, at play, in school and with your peers, you were always restless ... as if in search of a missing treasure. I know I cannot hold you any longer. But it pains me so much to let you go. If only I could get an assurance that you would remain faithful to the faith you grew up with in the family, somehow the pain would be lessened. But as I said earlier, I shall not dwell on fears.

If you must go in search of the truth, I pray that your search would be guided by the light and not by the darkness that breeds on distortions and errors.

The agony a mother must go through for love of her children is indescribable. I have no complaints. I shall not even mind for as long as you know that I am always here ready to welcome you back.

Bring this love with you and know that for as long as you are away from home, I shall be praying for you.

Life must go on in our family. Your brothers and sisters need our care still. The small ones need more than our care. I will always have that void and I shall be missing you.

But I cannot allow you to leave with a heavy heart. So take my blessings with you. May the angels keep you safe wherever you go. May the good Lord bless you and keep you always.

Remember, I love you very much.

Moms