When the neighbors of Melinda Ponce heard about the violence happening in her home, perhaps they did not realize it could reach the scale that it reached, the death of almost the entire family. So they did not do anything about what they knew about. Now, we all know what could happen in cases like this.
From readings and seminars, I learned that we should not take incidents of domestic violence for granted. These point out that if you hesitate, you should “keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or her life.”
An article in fact lists these “don’ts”: “Wait for him or her to come to you. Judge or blame. Pressure him or her. Give advice. Give conditions on your support.”
Instead, we are advised to: “Ask if something is wrong. Express concern. Listen and validate. Offer help. Support his or her decisions.”
Lihok Filipina has organized Bantay Banay wherein responses to domestic violence are made in the level of the community. Many of the barangays have also organized very well and have gender advocacy and development officers. Lately for Takna sa Kababayen-an, Lolet Aliño visited Sikatuna, Ermita, Lahug, Busay and Sto. Niño. She found out that several barangays are responding to domestic violence effectively.
Those in the city can go to the Legal Alternatives for Women (Law Center Inc.) There are actually a range of remedies, but for immediate relief, there is the Barangay Protection Order. This is an order prohibiting the perpetrator of violence from being near the victim.
With Law Inc., the remedies are not limited to the legal. In fact, the Psychosocial Counseling component is a very significant aspect of the solution. Enlightened judges urged victims who decided to withdraw the case against the perpetrator to continue undergoing psychosocial counseling.
Assistance has to be provided as soon as possible because of the nature of the cycle of violence.
It was Lenore Walker who noted the phases of the cycle of domestic violence as she explained the “patterns of behavior.”
“The Four Phases of the Cycle of Abuse” describe the four phases.
The first phase or tension building phase “is characterized by poor communication, passive aggression, rising interpersonal tension and fear of causing outbursts in one’s partner.”
The second phase, “the acting out phase” is characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents; “the batterer attempts to dominate his/her partner (victim), with the use of domestic violence.” This is the actual violence we often hear about through various media of communication. What disturbs us is usually physical violence. But there are other more subtle forms of violence such as emotional, psychological and economic violence. These are also very painful and destructive towards the victim.
The third phase, the reconciliation or honeymoon phase is “characterized by affection, apology, or alternatively ignoring the accident.” There are assurances that it will never happen again” or “that the abuser will do his best to change.” Although “some abusers walk away with little comment, most will shower their victims with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the victim from leaving the relationship.” It is exactly this stage that prolongs the abuse.
The last phase—“calm phase”—is an extension of the third phase. But after this period of calm, “interpersonal difficulties will inevitably arise, leading again to the tension building phase.”
Walker explained violence as the “controlling behavior of men who felt entitled to abuse their wives to maintain control over them.”
Walker said the abuser does not feel guilty or sorry for hurting his victim. Instead, he “blames the victim” focusing on the “victim’s behavior.”
“Recognizing the Warning Signs of Domestic Violence and Abuse” states: “People who are being abused may have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident; show major personality changes (e.g., an outgoing person becomes withdrawn); be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.”
These all emphasize the importance of being vigilant and sensitive. Often the victim has great difficulty breaking away from the cycle of violence. Others have to have the compassion and courage to support the victim as she struggles for freedom and becomes a survivor.
The cycle has to be broken as soon as possible. If the domestic violence is sustained, another cycle is initiated. Children, sons of wife batterers are inclined to be perpetrators of violence.