Best gift to our children

When the Ateneo College Entrance Test results were released last month, I was inundated with appeals from friends and strangers seeking help so their children could enter the school.

A typical e-mail went like this: “Our children took review classes in the summer/for two months/for many weeks in one/two/three review centers. We got tutors for our kids. Why didn’t our children make it?”

Well, sometimes the child just has a bad day.

But, even if nothing is guaranteed, the best way to get into a good university is not by taking crash courses in review centers, but by steadily mastering the fundamentals and building stock knowledge in all areas of study. This takes years, even decades, not weeks or months.

Many good schools hold reviews for their own students, at a fraction of the cost (or even for free). A principal said, “Instead of giving our students lengthy and hurried reviews of math, science or vocabulary, we teach them test-taking skills. We give handouts of formulas and terms but, unlike (review) centers, we do not try to re-teach everything.  Since we know our students best, we also know how best to help them do well. We also give students realistic advice about what to expect in college admissions, given their performance so far.”

As for tutors, wise ones help students develop habits to be able to learn on their own. Ineffective tutors do kids’ assignments, fostering dependency so insidious that kids never learn to study by themselves.

In my college classes, the worst-performing students are those who have had multiple tutors all their lives. The tutors sometimes gave different answers, causing more confusion.

Since students take the entrance tests, not their tutors, parents should not be surprised that their kids do not do well. The children have not mastered the required skills needed to do well.

Time and presence

In this season of love, the best gift we can share with our children is our time and presence. We should not be stage parents, hovering over our kids and doing everything (or hiring someone to do everything) for them.  But neither should we be absentee parents who relinquish responsibilities to our kids.

In the Best Practices Study of Ateneo High School Achievers we conducted in 2004, more than 80 percent of the top students said they had never had professional tutors. Their parents were their first and only tutors.

These parents were mostly not honor students, nor did they have education or psychology degrees. Some were working mothers, others homemakers, but practically all of them sat down with their children (as early as nursery or prep) and supervised their work.

Day in, day out, these parents were available if the children needed help. They made sure their kids finished homework before playing. They did drill sheets and sample tests.

These parents were not saints. At times they got irritated with their children, but they never gave up. After years of training, they reaped the rewards.

Their children could study independently by middle school. They knew how to study with friends and consult teachers in school. Their grades remained consistently high. They were accepted into the universities of their choice.

‘Raising Pinoy Boys’

Mary Rose Fres-Fausto, author of “Raising Pinoy Boys,” left her job as an investment banker to be a full-time mother to three sons—Marty, Enrique, and Anton—and never regretted it.

She says, “My sons are happy and doing well in school (but) developing good study habits … involved a lot of work, trial and error, arguments … years of monitoring, encouragement and active participation from my husband Marvin and me, and the boys’ cooperation.”

Fausto learned to be patient. “If you wish to help your son with homework, ‘magbaon ng pasensya’ (have a lot of patience),” she says.  “Even Marty, who is interested in school, was easily distracted. I would argue with him because I did not have enough patience, or well, I didn’t know how to handle my expectations well yet. I would get impatient when he did other things while doing his homework, when (there would be many) interruptions, like going to the toilet, drinking water, eating. At times he (stopped) because he felt itchy!

“I get impatient because I also have a dozen other things to do,” she says.  “That’s why some mothers and tutors just do the homework for the kids—to get it over and done with, quickly.

“Marty and I finally agreed that before he started work, he should have done all those things,” says Fausto, “eat merienda, go to the toilet, scratch whatever is itchy.  It worked for some time, but I would still get impatient waiting for him to finish. So we decided that he would just do his homework on his own and then I would check what he did. I would still be nearby, so he could easily ask me if he needed help. This method worked well for us. I would be doing my own work while he did his homework.”

By Grade 3, Marty was doing his own homework. So was Enrique. “It was the same training for Anton, but way before the end of Grade 2, he was already demanding independence,” Fausto says. “I clashed with him the most. I would suggest to him ways … to work more efficiently, but he had his own style. He always reminded me, ‘Mommy, you promised me that when I enter Grade 3, you will not teach me anymore.’”

The brothers helped each other with school work, and they are now doing well in the Ateneo.

For more of Fausto’s parenting tips, visit www.raisingpinoyboys.com

(Next Week: Why parents are the best tutors)

E-mail the author at [email protected].