MANILA, Philippines?Had she not joined the convoy that met a bloody end in Maguindanao province last week, lawyer Cynthia Oquendo would have turned 36 on Tuesday.

At home, Oquendo?s youngest son, Azzan, 4, persistently asks his father, Noel Ayon, and aunt Gemma about his mother?s whereabouts. The boy could only sleep well when his face was buried in his mother?s armpit, Gemma explained.

?I don?t know what to tell him. Noel and I would look at each other and cry whenever Azzan asks about his mother,? said Gemma, 33, a lawyer like her sister.

She said Azzan had asked her if she would like to become his new mommy. ?Kawawa naman ako (Poor me),? she quoted him as saying.

UP forum

At this point, there was hardly a dry eye in the audience at the University of the Philippines? College of Public Administration and Governance. They were attending the forum dubbed ?Nobyembre 23: Harapin ang Katotohanan (November 23: Face the Truth).?

Ayon said his wife did not like grand celebrations. This meant that the family celebrated her birthday quietly as they did when she was alive.

?This is very painful to us. She did not live long enough to celebrate it,? he said.

Interviewed later, Ayon said his two older sons?Ino Sean, 6, and Gabriel Sean, 5?would fall quiet when told that their mother was already in heaven waiting for them.

?The 6-year-old understands it a little. But the little one, he is so innocent. And he always cries while looking for Cynthia. He asked me once to transfer his mommy to our bed because he so badly wanted to be with her. And he asks why she can?t sleep with us anymore,? Ayon said in tears.

Escape of sanity

?Now I understand the meaning of the term takasan ng katinuan (loss of sanity),? Gemma remarked at the forum.

?What I feel is greater than sorrow. But I am thankful for the outpouring of sympathy,? she added.

Oquendo and her colleague, Concepcion Brizuela, were among those who accompanied Genalin Mangudadatu in a convoy that passed Ampatuan town in Maguindanao on their way to file the certificate of candidacy for governor of Genalin?s husband, Esmael, the vice mayor of Buluan town.

The convoy didn?t reach the Commission on Elections office in Shariff Aguak town.

Photo presentation

At the start of the forum, Gemma let out a wail of anguish as photographs of the carnage were shown during a slide presentation.

One slide showed a male victim sprawled on the ground, half of his bloodied face blown off. Another was a photograph of a male whose visceral organs were spilling out of his shirt.

Ayon comforted Gemma as she shook uncontrollably. ?I can?t look at the pictures ? Our mother said we should go on with our lives but that is not easy,? Gemma said.

Leaders of advocacy and student groups took turns in chastising the government for turning a blind eye on warlordism that, they claimed, led to the bloodbath in Maguindanao.

Gemma recalled that as college students, she and Oquendo would attend forums like Tuesday?s gathering that was hastily organized by Fr. Albert Alejo, a Jesuit priest.

?We came to listen and to sympathize. Little did I know that one day, I would speak in a forum like this under these circumstances,? she said.

Gemma recalled that before she and her sister graduated from law school, ?we were trying to decide on our advocacies. And we figured that we would help women and children.?

?That?s why she was in Maguindanao. She was confident that as a woman accompanying a convoy, nothing bad would happen to her. She was just being a lawyer. She did not even bring a gun,? Gemma said.