Dedet Panabi: Working mom and tutor, too

PARENTING has its ups and downs.

These days, many parents, especially in the middle and upper classes, want parenting to go smoothly at all costs. They want their children to see them as “cool” rather than “strict.”  They worry when their kids yell, “I hate you!” (which the kids do not really mean, unless they are absent or abusive parents).

Parenting is difficult. Life is difficult. If your relationship with your kids rests only on the good times (malls, parties, trips), then it is shallow.

When kids grow up, they may hide things from you (depression, low grades, secret relationships) because they think you don’t want to deal with difficult stuff.

It is natural to get irritated when tutoring kids. But parenting is a test of patience. Calm down, take a deep breath, and tell your children that, because you love them, you will continue teaching them.

Professional tutors lose their patience, too. Would you rather have a stranger raising her voice to, or worse, hurting your kids?

Several of my students say that when they were in grade school, their tutors in Chinese pinched them when they got low marks but they never told their parents.

Make time

Many parents say they don’t have time to teach their kids. Well, make time.

Dedet Reyes-Panabi, editor in chief of “Working Mom” magazine, walks the talk. With grace and style, she manages to balance the demands of work and home, teaching son Zach and daughter Alex.

“I continue to tutor Zach, and have reading and arts and crafts time with Alex,” Panabi says. “I consciously plan my day so I can go home for a few hours, even if this means staying up ’til three in the morning to finish the work I put aside.”

While other parents talk about making sacrifices, Panabi does not see it that way. “I won’t call teaching my kids a sacrifice, because it’s my job. I am a parent. I wouldn’t call meeting a big client a sacrifice. In the greater scheme of things, my kids are more important than any client.”

Working parents don’t have to be perfect.

“I try to review (with) Zach (his lessons) every day. But I’m a working mom. Sometimes, there are just too many things at work. But I don’t disappear. I leave notes in Zach’s lunchbox. I call home. I always ask about school, not just ‘How was your test?’ but ‘What’s the most interesting thing you learned today?’ and ‘What did you do with your classmates during recess?’

“My husband Mel’s that way, too. He brings Zach to school and picks him up. That’s their bonding time … (Zach) knows his dad’s busy, but school’s important enough for Dad to wake up extra early and move his appointments. Last quarter, Mel grilled Zach for weeks on Filipino verbs until he perfected the test. Kids will only value learning if we parents do, too.”

Don’t think in terms of sacrifices, but investments.

“If we reinforce the basics now, we will not have to play catch-up later on … Zach is in the primary grades. His homework is not hard and, since he understands the subject, we just review, focus on a harder topic, or study (lessons in advance).”

Instead of relying on outside tutors or specialists, Panabi decided to help Zach develop the reading habit. “Right now I am already reaping the benefits of my earlier investment, which was to teach Zach to love reading,” she says. “Now we zip through textbooks and (other) resource materials.”

Study habits

Effective study habits begin early. “Now I am teaching Zach to study skills,” Panabi says. “More than concepts like ‘pandiwa’ or ‘parts of a plant,’ I want him to learn how to study on his own. So I say, ‘Look up the word in the dictionary’ or ‘check the index of your book on Space’ or ‘research on the web.’

“I am still there, explaining things, supporting him but, little by little, he is acquiring the skills to study on his own. If we do things right, my kids will have learned to study on their own by fifth or sixth grade.

“That’s why I absolutely refuse to get a tutor,” Panabi says. “If Zach becomes dependent on someone to explain things to him—or, worse, dependent on me to do his homework—then I am digging my own grave. He won’t (learn) to do things on his own. I’m not paying for tutors ’til college!

“Busy moms can’t say, ‘I’m too busy to teach my child.’ (I cannot afford not to teach him, being too busy) … We need to train our kids the way we train our staff, or we will just make our jobs harder.”

Unlike many parents who say they cannot bear to be with their kids while doing homework, Panabi thinks otherwise. “I love tutoring time. It is a privilege to be part of the kids’ learning, especially since I learn so much, too! Zach asks such interesting questions, and now he is asking things I don’t even know!

“Once he asked, ‘What’s gravity made of?’ and I was stumped. We checked books and found these exciting theories on gravitons that led to links to the string theory. It was mind-blowing! We loved it. Zach and I spent a good hour looking at those sites. I said, ‘I don’t completely get it yet, honey, but let’s try to figure it out together.’ We still don’t get it, but it was fun sharing the question and bonding over it.

“The most fulfilling part of tutoring is that it deepens my relationship with my son,” Panabi says. “School is a big part of his life now. I love knowing what he’s doing, hearing about his friends, enriching his experiences, answering his questions. Good grades are a wonderful goal, and Zach is well aware that I will not accept a bad grade. But, more than anything, I treasure these everyday tutoring sessions because they are quality and quantity time with my boy.”

Read Panabi’s blog at https://workingmotherdiary.com/2011/10/8-ways-working-moms-can-stay-involved-in-homework/.

E-mail the author at [email protected].