Scared

I’m not sure if I have written it here before but let me narrate this again. During my elementary years, I would regularly come late to school. I was living in Makati and though school was also in the same city, traffic can still cause us to be tardy.

So I would line up the “tardy” line then face the Principal to explain why I was late. After filling out an excuse slip, I would be led to a room I would call then as “black room” because it was a room without lights. For 10-15 minutes I would stay there alone. At a young age, it was traumatic that up to this day, I would shiver uncontrollably while in a dark place.

While most small children would be scared of the monster under their beds or a creeper in the closet, I would be scared already of being in a dark place. Some friends would not believe that I get scared because they see me as a strong-willed woman.

But that’s precisely why I have become “strong”. The “black room” drama was just one of the many scary points in my life as my family struggled through a number of crisis.

I feared losing a place to live in. For half of my life, my family was moving from one house to the next. Because finances was tight, we would get evicted by the house owner for not paying rent. Sometimes, we would just pack up and go because we know we can’t pay anymore.

I feared not graduating from school. Our father had left us and my mother had no work. I have always dreamt to be a doctor but when I realized I had to graduate fast and work right away to help my family survive, I shelved that dream. But before college, there was high school.

I feared ending up poor and with no family around me. I was entering high school when our family went for broke. I had to seek asylum with the sisters in my school. My two siblings pleaded with our uncle and aunt to keep them. The rest just went with my mother wherever she can find shelter with some relatives.

My hope was set on education, health, shelter and wealth. And so when these were threatened, it hurt inside. It was frightening. I guess I am not alone in being afraid of the unknown. It is a universal fear.

I continue to be afraid today but the difference is that I know now that my relationship with my Lord Jesus is far greater than worrying over the temporary things in life.

It was ironic that I was schooled in Catholic schools, yet I didn’t know that my hope should be set on Jesus Christ and His promise to be with me always. Therefore, I need not fear but be confident instead that no matter how bad life is, Jesus has my back covered.

When before I regard the Holy Bible as just a book of stories I have mastered, today I run to it for comfort and hope when fear gets the better of me. The most powerful verse I hang on to is in Isaiah 41:10 : “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

This verse has become a mantra to me in times of anxiety. And  found a major formula to mitigate my fears. It is in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 : “Whatever happens, give thanks, because it is God’s will in Christ Jesus that you do this.”

That is why when the subject matter of fear was discussed during our community prayer meeting last week, I can only nod my head  and mutter “Amen!” many times.

My life has been a testimony of God’s goodness and providence that brought me out of my fears. Am I brave? No.

As I always say, I am courageous not brave because the brave person believes he has no fear to fight the monsters in life. I fear and will continue to do so. But I know how to face fear now because of my God who strengthens me. And that’s courage in the Lord.

So what happened to my major fears in my younger years?

God has provided me once with a house of my own, I sold it and now I will soon transfer to a new abode.

I have graduated with high honors and even continued to gain more education even after college. Though I didn’t become a doctor, my life has been healing broken hearts and hopes because people have seen how God moved in my life.

I am not very rich but I am living comfortably today with three adult children successfully carving their own lives. God continues to shower me with blessings including peace and joy and I continue also to give back to Him my profound gratitude by serving Him in any way He would want me to.

Where have all my fears gone? I have long surrendered them to God. And I will never forget that He will always have my back covered until the day I come face to face with Him.