Hurting

It has been a hurting week. After 45 days of taking care, hands on , of seven pups born to my three-year-old labrador, I had to hand them over to their new owners. Each time one pup went away, I would go back to the house in tears.

The pain was  the same intensity that I felt when one of the seven pups died after two weeks under our care. Giving them away (even if I received payment for this) was like grieving for a loss.

For 45 days, my daughter and I took turns sleeping downstairs to watch over the puppies and feeding them literally from our hands. Milk bottles were lined up and replenished every two to three hours. My dog didn’t have much milk so the weeks that passed were stressful for us as we made sure the puppies were fed on time.

It’s just amazing how big they are now  and how they grew from a squirming creature that fit in my palm on the first hour they were born. I was there when my dog labored and gave birth to the seventh pup after four long hours.

Now I have only three pups eft. One will stay with me. The second will soon be collected by my sister and the third will be taken away by a friend tomorrow. I didn’t know it was  going to be emotionally heavy to part  with them. It’s my first time to have new pups in the house and play the  caregiver to all of them.

Despite the hassle, I would smile at dawn while feeding them from their bottles. It felt like going back in time when I was feeding my three babies, too. It’s an exhilarating feeling to be in that moment of enjoying maternal satisfaction. It’s true that once a mother, always a mother. Never mind if these are puppies I’m taking care of. The same love and nurturing spirit is tapped from within me.

I hope after tomorrow when the last pup will be gone from the house, I can move on without missing  all of them. Maybe in my Facebook posts, I will stop being emotional. This week, I’ve  been posting a  countdown –  losing one by one my pups and the hurt inside me.

My friend Arnold commented on my post: “It’s a valid feeling (the hurt) from a dog lover—but on the other side of the coin comes the joy of knowing that the new owners will experience the adventures of owning one and your pups receiving the love they deserve.”

I was thankful for that response. Very comforting because it is true! Look at the brighter side of the hurt. There is joy that I’ve given to other people who wanted to shower the same love I have for dogs.

This reminds me of the times I just sucked in air and grit my teeth when I thought I was hitting rock bottom with insecurity, fear and weakness. These were the times I struggled to raise my three young children after my husband died earlier than expected.

There were moments of helplessness and uncertainty that I could things through. The worst times were  when I felt abandoned.

Looking back, the hurt and scary moments were all for good. There is a God who made sure I would be  taken care just like when I gave my puppies to the best buyers who could take care of them well.

I know it hurt God too to see me left behind by my husband and struggling with three young lives to raise. But He knows better that letting me go on my own with hardships can magnify His presence more in my life.

He knew I was too independent with streaks of a can-do-all attitude. God doesn’t  like to torture people but I realize now that it is when I feel unqualified, insecure and scared and I feel I have no one to turn to that I full rely on Him for strength.

God uses us even in our weakest moments. He works best when we don’t have everything under control and feel completely confident in ourselves. That’s when we can savor His great love.  I experienced this when I just gave in to what was happening in my life and let Him take over.

I know my pups will have better attention and love showered on them by their new owners. It’s foolish to think I can be in control and take care of all of them no matter how much I love all of them.

And so the parting of ways is creating an emptiness in me but as my friend Arnold said, it is also giving a chance for other people to show the pups love that they deserve.

Sigh.

Thank you Lord for the experience of loving, even though it’s been momentary and for puppies. I know you’re using this to show me I have a well of love that I can give  to others. As Victor Hugo said in Les Miserables, “Love is the only future God offers.”

Thank you for this hurting week because then I know I can always run to you for comfort and healing. This too will pass.