Alexi

Clodagh lost her baby at 10 weeks old and she knows best when she says it’s really okay to cry. The painful experience made her right this poem:

Little Angel

I was given an angel to cherish and love,

So tiny, so perfect, a gift from above.

When I looked at his face it was calmness I found

And that peace seemed to spread to all he was around.

His love touched my heart like fine threads of spun gold

And I thanked God for giving this angel to hold.

But I did not know then that time was my foe

And too soon, with a whisper, my angel would go.

My heart almost breaking, a touch soft as lace

Seemed to wipe at the hurt as it coursed down my face.

I still have my angel to cherish and love,

Those gold threads now shimmer from Heaven above.

And though I can’t see him or cuddle him tight,

I won’t say goodbye, Little Angel, goodnight.

I remembered this poem after attending the simple burial rites of Alexi, the 22-week-old daughter of my niece Diana. I can’t forget how she bravely controlled her emotions as she watched the grave being sealed.

But then her face reddened with  tight emotions I know were  gnawing inside her and so she finally let her tears fall. Her husband El was gallant at her side, giving her shoulders   warm support  although I know he, too, was hurting inside.

Alexi was supposed to be their first angel after seven months of marraige.  She’s a little life yes, but I agree with Clodagh in her piece, that she’s not a little loss.

The death of a loved one always brings  the grieving party a gamut of emotions. At the burial of my husband 14 years ago, my eyes were dry. Relatives and friends were worried. They kept telling me I should not control my tears; that it was okay to cry. But I didn’t cry. Not because I wouldn’t. It’s just that I couldn’t.

Looking back, there could be two reasons why. I had been crying all through the one-week wake and there was nothing left to cry out; or the abundance of conflicting emotions prevented me from feeling the deep sorrow at that moment.

I felt guilty that I told my husband at the hospital to just let go after seeing him in pain.  Shouldn’t I have moved him to fight more instead of giving up?

I felt despair at the sight of my three small children who were able to still play blivious to the life ahead minus their dad.

I felt fear. I had just resigned from my job so I could nurse my husband and the thought of raising the children on my own scared me.

I was in denial. I was young then and I still couldn’t believe that 10 years of marriage had just gone  down the drain. I felt I was too young to be a widow.

And I felt abandoned. I wasn’t really angry but I questioned why a life of love which I didn’t fully have while growing up was taken off me.

These conflicting emotions numbed me that my tears just didn’t find their way to drop. It’s not that I was strong enough to control them. Rather, I was so weak to let the various emotions engulf me.

That’s why I felt much for my niece. Regardless of the age, status or gender of a loved one who passes away, the loss is not little. And there she was, facing the little grave of her Alexi, but I know how the battle of emotions was overwhelming her.

Things happen for a reason. And there could only be good reasons for your little Alexi to go back to God. Be comforted that this is the best place she can ever be. Remember that as parents, we don’t really own our children. We’re just the stewards. We all belong to God, our Father.

Diana and El, as you move forward and try to grow your family again, you now have little angel who’s surely watching over you and praying for you.

Though you were only able to hold her for 17 minutes, I know you will hold her in your hearts forever.  Simply because a child has died does not make them any less part of a family. Alexi will still be a huge part of your lives.

I extend to you my love and prayers that God’s peace is with the both of you. Just as He has comforted me all these years for the loss of my own loved one, I believe this piece of writing I am dedicating for you both and Alexi is His way of letting me comfort you, too.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)