In step

This is the month of graduations and parents not only prepare their wallets but also brace their hearts and mind with the reality that their children are growing up and they’re moving on to the next level of their growth years.

The kindergarten child has to get away from play class to real subjects in school.

The elementary kid struggles with the feeling of not yet being an adult but not anymore a child.

The high school student starts to question authority and seek independence.

The college graduate wants to prove his/her worth away from the parents’ shadows.

When their children step out of their shells and away from their eyes, parents tend to hang on to them, to continue protecting them yet realize they need to let go and let them learn their own life lessons, too.

I empathize. I know the feeling.

Last year, my only daughter stepped off college. She’s the last of my three children in school and being the only girl, you can imagine how I wanted for her to just continue staying in school and be under my protective wings.

Immediately what comes to my mind is the Barbara Streisand song “If I Could,” which I think was written for her son. Here are the lyrics. Parents, I’m sure you can identify with the message:

I’d protect you from the sadness in your eyes / Give you courage in a world of compromise. / Yes, I would.

If I could, I would teach you all the things I’ve never learned / and I’d help you cross the bridges that I’ve burned. / Yes I would

If I could, I would try to shield your innocence from time / but the part of life I gave you isn’t mine / I’ve watched you grow, so I could let you go / If I could, I would help you make it through the hungry years / but I know that I can never cry your tears / /but I would … if I could

If I live in a time and place where you don’t want to be / You don’t have to walk along this road with me / My yesterday won’t have to be your way / If I knew, how I’d try to change the world I brought you to / and there isn’t very much that I can do  but I would, if I could

Beautiful, isn’t it? And convicting! Two words capture the entire song: Let go. And this is soooo hard to do.

It’s not just to allow ourselves not to be always hovering over them, wanting to be with them all the time. But to let go is to also respect their capacity to learn their way, not our way.

When my daughter was in kinder, she was first honor and got accelerated to grade II. She did not excel academically anymore after that. The sudden jump got her into the circle of new friends older than her and the pressure was on. She skipped the formative learning of basic skills and so the lessons became another challenge.

I could see the worsening change by just looking at her handwriting that looked like the chicken’s scratches. And her English was intolerable.

So there I was, for two years, pushing her to achieve again, constantly pouring over her notebooks, reading her lessons and pointing out her English mistakes.

I remember I would argue over her English lessons when she insists on what her teacher said. I told her I know my English, that I know better and that she needed to follow me.

Exasperation and frustration were all over me whenever I read her writings. Is this the daughter of a writer? What would people say about me for failing to teach my daughter to write or speak straight good English? When can I see her on top of the class again?

Then I stopped myself. Those questions were all about me. I realized it shouldn’t be about me but her. Let go of pride and let her pace herself. I was already adding stress to her stressful situation. Allow the teachers do their work. Focus on my role to support and encourage, not make my daughter nervous when I’m around.

God has a parenting reminder in Ephesians 6:4—“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

The word “fathers” could well be translated as “parents,” because it includes both the father and the mother. God cautions us to avoid things that make our children rebel.

Thank God for waking me up to this realization. By the time my daughter stepped into high school, her penmanship suited a lady already, her grades soared and her English writings improved much. She even spoke well.

On her senior year when she handed me the usual letter from a daughter to her parents, my tears welled up. She wrote so well that it’s hard to believe she used to write bad English years back.

To let go of our children is not to give them total freedom to do anything they want. But it is bringing them up “in the training and instruction of the Lord.” And the Lord’s directive is to love them unconditionally, respect their ability according to their standards and not to our own, and to learn to step aside and let them be their own character—not patterned after us.

I learned the secret to my daughter’s change for the better. I was at her side to support her  NOT at her back to let her run away or to push too much and definitely NOT in front of her to leave her behind.

Parents, let go but be in step.