Children and their mothers

In “Buhay sa Isang Bayani,” Rizal declared that his mother was everything to  him.  This was a woman whom he described as a mathematician  who exposed him to a home library of 1,000 books.  In this biographical film, one also senses that his family’s persecution, especially his mother’s imprisonment may have awakened his anti-colonial sentiments.  But his nationalism had other influences.  For instance, his exposure to the execution of  innocent priests—Gomez, Burgos and Zamora—changed his intention of becoming a priest to another career path.  We also can not ignore the effect of his elder and only brother Paciano, who was with him as he took steps  towards independence: studying in Manila and leaving for Europe. Paciano was an active member of the revolutionary movement.

It’s difficult to resist the idea that the strength of his mother had something to do with his statements in his “Letter to the Women of Malolos.”  These women wanted to be educated, wanted to learn Spanish.  He admired the initiative of the women because he believed in the traditional role of women as one who raises  children.  But he wanted them to rear strong children who would change the country.

“Awaken and prepare the will of our children towards all that is honorable, judged by proper standards, to all that is sincere and firm of purpose, clear judgment, clear procedure, honesty in act and deed, love for fellowmen and respect for God; this is what you must teach your children.  And seeing that life is full of thorns and thistles, you must fortify their minds against any stroke of adversity and accustom them to danger. (He even wanted them to have training in disaster-preparedness!)  The people can not expect honor or prosperity so long as they will educate their children in a wrong way, so long as the woman who guides the child in his steps is ignorant and slavish.  No good water comes from a turbid, bitter spring; no savory fruit comes from an acrid seed.”

The ruby anniversary issue of the Philippine Journal of Psychology includes “How We Raise Our Daughters and Sons: Child-Rearing and Gender Socialization in the Philippines.”  It is stated in this article that “in actual behavior, the mother is still ranked as the primary caretaker of children.”  This is more so in the rural than in urban areas.  It further states that middle-class working mothers “still carried the greater bulk of responsibility for home and children.”  It is not surprising that mothers are “stressed.”

It is pointed out that mothers “have greater emotional involvement” with their children. Espina found out that “overprotection was the most pervasive attitude that mothers exhibit towards their children.”

Perhaps this is the reason why in her essay on the Filipino child in “Being Filipino,” Carmen Enrile Santiago said that the child is trained to be “sensitive, controlled, grateful, respectful,” aware of “smooth interpersonal relations” but “unassertive”; rather unlike the Rizal ideal.

But should mothers shoulder the entire child nurturing?  Many believe this to be so.  Every time we have our Bible-sharing sessions, several mothers have their children with them and some even bring more than one.  Films dramatize the blame put on mothers when children go astray. Did Hillary Clinton not declare in her award winning audio tape and book that “It Takes a Village”?

The result of mothers’ doing most of the care giving, the article reveals, is the closeness of both daughters and sons to their mothers.  And Asperer pointed out that “girls may appear modern and liberated but they are really very similar to their mothers.”  “Ramirez (1988) describes the Filipino mother as more likely than the father to attach, indulge, and even spoil her son.  She speculates that this may be a form of compensation for the father’s neglect.”

I found out that poor parenting skills may be one of the results of education that is not gender fair.  When schools continue the gender stereotyping experienced at home, then there are two  main negative effects.  The first has already been mentioned.  When there is strict gender division in responsibility training at home, sons have fewer chances for child-minding training.  If the school offers training on home-oriented activities or “feminine tasks” only for females then males will have limited parenting skills.

The second negative effect of gender stereotyping in schools is the limited fulfillment of the potentials for both males and females.  We close doors to the dreams of our young when we box certain endeavors as masculine or feminine.

As we honor the Christ Child in the Fiesta Señor today, let us reflect on how we all (not just mothers) relate to our children.  Even the toys we give them as gifts or the games we encourage them to play may shape their future and ours.