When kids react to news
MANILA, Philippines—When psychologist Maria Lourdes “Honey” Carandang made a comment, in a recent front page news of the Inquirer, on the importance of truth-telling, a young reader asked her parent, “Does Lola Honey want to be buried at the Libingan ng mga Bayani with Angie Reyes?”
Carandang’s comment was made in the light of children’s questions about former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes’ suicide, which happened sometime during the week he was being investigated by the Senate in the course of its inquiry into corruption in the military.
At the Maria Lourdes Arellano Carandang Institute for Children and Families (MLAC Institute), children have wondered if it is right to kill one’s self when under pressure and facing serious charges.
Through their drawings and play-acting, the kids themselves seem to have found the answer: No, it is not right to kill yourself.
“They don’t tell you exactly their answer because it is play therapy, but their answers are implicit,” says Carandang, whose team of psychologists and therapists uses play and drawings to help young patients discover answers to their questions, some of which relate to events outside their own homes.
Confused
“One confused kid asked the mother: Do you have to die to be a hero? The mother brought the child to me. I answered the child, ‘No, there are many ways to be a hero. There was a 10-year-old girl who saved her siblings from their burning house. Then there’s CNN hero Efren Peñaflorida, who brings books to children in his kariton (pushcart).’ Di kailangan mamatay (you don’t have to die) the way Jose Rizal or Ninoy Aquino did—both dramatic deaths.”
Carandang says Reyes’ suicide got too much publicity.
“The kids couldn’t help absorbing it because of media saturation,” says Blesila de Asis, one of the psychologists in the team. “The act of suicide and why it happened were not fully explained. Nobody even remarked on its impact on children, what it could mean to them. The news was raw, and the kids absorbed it raw.”
Psychologist Marisa Marin notes the news was all about Reyes and his career. “Nobody bothered to interview or ask the opinion of a psychologist or any expert on suicide … Have the media forgotten the children? Did any parent ask media to be responsible? Media’s blind spot was their lack of awareness of the impact of news on children and adolescents.”
Another psychologist, Aileen Sison, says the parents themselves might not have been able to discern if what Reyes did was right or wrong. “It should be pointed out that he did not tell the whole truth. By killing himself, he escaped the truth-telling part,” she adds.
Wrong emphasis
Carandang warns that children and adolescents are picking up the wrong core values with media putting a lot of emphasis on the likes of, among others, road-rage killers and notorious sex videotapes that got a lot of media mileage from having been discussed at congressional hearings.
It is noted during the interview with the MLAC Institute team that the mother of a road-rage suspect has hung a huge tarpaulin outside her house, showing her son in full military dress and his Facebook fan page, with the latest update on how many fans he has.
Tess Aguilar, psychologist and contributor to the book “The Magic of Play: Children Heal to Play,” says videos are shown of people having their pictures taken with the notorious person of the moment.
While children cannot be totally protected or shielded from media bombardment, Carandang says, “parents must learn to use this opportunity to educate and point out core values they want their children to learn.”
One psychologist suggests that parents watch TV news with their children. “They (the kids) are absorbing what they see and the parents have to discuss it with them,” adds Carandang.
Aguilar says, “Parents must value what the child says—whether it’s a question, a thought, a comment or a seemingly petty thing. It’s the adults’ cue to pay attention because something is happening inside the child.”
Marin adds, “Children won’t express it anyway unless it’s important. In therapy we listen to them and value what they’re saying and make them know that it’s important.”
How should a parent handle the difficult questions children ask? After the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, for instance, a child asked if the huge waves would reach the Philippines.
Carandang says, “Stop to listen and understand. Listening to the kids calms them down. Do not disregard or minimize their questions. Give importance to them. It’s not just telling them not to feel bad because everything will be all right. Don’t say, ‘Don’t worry,’ without first listening. You have to validate the child’s feelings of worry.”
Marin adds, “Parents tend to block the child by saying, ‘OK lang ’yan, don’t worry.’ The implication of that statement is huwag nang pag-usapan (let’s not talk about it). So the child’s feeling is cut and ignored and he/she feels worse. It’s something new for parents to just listen.”
Aguilar says, “Parents have their own fears. It’s okay to be afraid as a parent and own that feeling instead of brushing it aside.”
Marin says children are amazing and intelligent as seen through their drawings, play, questions and comments about what is happening in society. “They’re very in, they know about what’s going on. They express themselves in therapy, they feel safe to say or play or draw whatever they’re feeling because we don’t punish them for saying the truth. This way, they learn to become truth-tellers.”
Team member Chris Carandang, psychologist, music therapist and Carandang’s son, says, “In therapy we allow expression. It is a venue for true feelings, whether negative or positive.” He has dealt with patients from 15 to 20 years old who express themselves through music and art, which are not valued by parents due to the generation gap. “That’s how adolescents express their deepest feelings, including angst,” he notes.
His mother agrees: “If you listen to their lyrics, malalim (they’re deep), and they convey an important message. These are not valued by the parents or paid attention to; the music is dismissed as noise.”
The adolescent suicide rate is going up despite closely knit families, according to the older Carandang. She has dealt with a high-school freshman whose suicide was thankfully prevented. The boy was ridiculed for his name, was called gay, and was bullied by a gang in school. He could not fight back as the gang members were much bigger. When brought to Carandang’s team for play therapy, the boy instantly drew himself hanging by his neck.
Sison recalls a fourth grader whose first thought, when he did not get a perfect score in his test, was to hang himself because his mother would be upset. Through therapy, he expressed his fears and the pressures he felt, as well as learned to process his feelings.
“At age 11, kids today already know so many things that we didn’t know when we were that young. In a way, we’re blessed that we enjoyed being children,” says Dr. Honey Carandang.
Her reply to the child’s question about being interred at Libingan ng mga Bayani? “No, I’m not sure I deserve that.” As a National Social Scientist, she certainly does.
