Breaking away from a culture of co-dependency
I never met Melinda Ponce. But I have talked, consoled and cried with not a few suffering Melindas in this world.
As executive director of a nongovernment organization committed to protecting women’s rights and promoting gender justice, I was exposed to the heart-breaking violence victims suffered at the hands of their tormentor—their husband or partner.
Although R.A. 9262, the Anti-Violence against Women and Children (VAWC) Act of 2004 made VAWC a criminal act, physical, psychological and economic abuse within the confines of home still continue to claim hapless victims.
Children are the innocent bystanders who are tremendously hurt. Research data reveal that while boys are angry at their dad for the suffering caused upon their mother, they also tend to inflict similar cruel behavior on their future mates. The girls look at VAWC as “normal.” Being a victim of domestic violence then becomes an accepted reality, a fate that one is perceived to have no control of. The cycle of violence continues and becomes inter-generational, until intervention comes in through counseling (for one or both parties), the courts or the awakening of the woman.
One cannot imagine how the victim copes with an anxiety-filled life each day, each moment. But many still fail to leave the abuser for many reasons. Always, the children are the primary consideration. The abused victim cannot accept that the home environment is no longer conducive to her brood’s development. Some cannot give up the lifestyle that they are used to. Their economic dependency on the man makes them fearful for their future. The thought of starting all over again scares them, more than facing violence itself, which can happen at any time.
The women become co-dependent partners. “Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves… Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.” (https://www.nmha.org/go/codependency)
Co-dependency is described as “an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with co-dependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”
Co-dependency may be in a person who constantly takes care of other people without their consent, who compulsively tries to control others, who cannot leave an abusive relationship, and who cannot set healthy boundaries. (mindfulconstruct.com/2009/02/05/what-is-codependency/)
Looking at our lopsided political landscape and our culture of allowing authorities to be the sole decision-makers of our lives and our future, our nation is undoubtedly in an unhealthy state of co-dependency—far too long.
We can no longer pretend that the problem does not exist. Acceptance is the first step towards healing and finding solutions, right?
Yes, we have our Constitution, our much-admired Local Government Code and so many laws that would rein in officials’ excessive use of power and affirm our right to be partners in governance. But, the people and the institutions have tolerated and allowed the false sense of entitlement of those holding public positions to flourish, despite the laws. It takes two to tango, they say. Co-dependency, it is called.
Not many institutions and citizens hold functionaries accountable for misdeeds, grave abuse of power and the blatant disregard of their responsibilities under our laws. Most of our people do not even realize that laws of accountability exist or that they have the right to exact compliance of mandates.
Despite the duty to prioritize essential services, officials have much discretion in deciding which projects are implemented in communities. No one feels obliged to reach out and listen to what the constituents’ authentic needs are, or even the climate change impacts in communities which we can no longer pretend not to know, or the true state of life sources.
The “Hall of Shame” examples are the self-promoting gym contract of city officials amid the grinding poverty of residents and the projects now dubbed the “Flyover Frenzy,” which have unleashed the phenomenal Bisdak revolution for sustainability.
Planning, adoption and implementation of projects on the whims and “common sense” of local and national officials, without the benefit of a genuine participatory mechanism through the local development councils (LDC), should stop. The President and the Department of Interior and Local Government cannot forever blame the Arroyo government and other past administrations for this gross disrespect of our laws and the people’s guaranteed right “to participate at all levels of decision-making process” by pretending that LDCs exist, when they do not.
The twin flyover projects would not have reached the phase where the Department of Public Works and Highways had to issue a hold-order if genuine LDCs adopted the projects from inception.
The vacuum created when the DILG, the mayor or the governor or barangay head failed in the duty to make sure that the LDCs are constituted is never a justification to make government projects discretionary on the part of public officials, including congressional representatives.
Without the LDCs, budgetary allocations for projects are not responsive to the needs of the people. The rights to life, health and a healthy environment are forever rendered meaningless when the crucial right and responsibility of citizens to participate in governance, through the LDCs, are withheld from them.
Although there are steps being taken in the direction of including the citizens in the decision-making process under the Aquino administration, it has to do more. The first step is a marching order from the President to the DILG Secretary to ensure that all LDCs are functional and effective in each barangay, in each city, municipality, province, in the country.
We cannot afford to be a perennially silent, unquestioning and suffering co-dependent partner in nation building. It is time to break away from the culture of co-dependency. Too much is at stake—a sustainable tomorrow for the present and future generations amid the perils of climate change.
